March 30, 2011

Accedentally Ukulele

I'm blogging about another musician this week. Except this time I'm not hating on any one. I'm happy to notice that the Rebecca Black stuff has died down. And I don't expect many keyword search hits from this. I stumbled upon Julia Nunes on YouTube about two years ago and she makes the most adorable videos of songs she covers on the ukulele. Something made me think of her the other day and I wanted to share her with you, my lovely readers! She also started doing her own songs but that's less fun since I don't know the lyrics.  Anyway so here are my favorite cover and original songs respectively.  Enjoy!




March 26, 2011

How to Survive A 12 Hour Plane Trip







Vroom!

1) Do not get a seat outside of a hungover dude. Drunk Dave will want to get up every 30 minutes to get more teeny bottles of alcohol from the back of the plane to make the hangover go away. That is until he finally passes out only to re-awaken at the end of the flight hungover again.
I'm totally reading something really important here... like War and Peace

2) Sit far away from your parents. They will forget that they are both wearing headphones and end up yelling everything they say to each other. This will cause no end of embarrassment for you when the flight attendants compare them to the Costanzas.
I don't know what we're yelling about!!!!

3) Do not be taller than 5'. If you are any taller, the only way to be comfortable is to stick your legs out into the aisle for everyone to trip over since no one will look where they're walking.
I'm very slouchy when I sit for long periods of time.


4) Do not have ADHD. It will result in being unable to hold focus on any book you're reading or movie you're watching for more than 30 seconds.

5) Do not think that you'll be able to sleep without sleeping pills. You know better than to think you can sleep on a plane just because it's such a long trip.

6) Don't get on a broken plane. It will result in sitting on the plane for 3 hours before you are finally forced to de-plane and shuttled off to a hotel for the night after standing in the longest lines ever. Luckily, you brought your laptop with you and the Hyatt you're put up in has free wi-fi so that you can go on Facebook. (I have to admit the room I got all to myself at the Hyatt was pretty freakin' sweet).
No I didn't actually draw this, I applied a Photoshop effect to a photo.

7) Do sit in first-class. Self-explanitory, achieve this by any means necessary including, but not limited to:
Robbing a bank
Counterfitting money
Stealing someone's identity and obtaining a credit card in their name
Pawning everything you own
Selling your organs on the black market
This much hypothetical leg room causes a creepy look on my face.

8) If in doubt, stick to not going anywhere ever.

March 12, 2011

Not-So Fed-Ex

Where I work, we have unlimited sick days. What we don't have is enough staff to always call in people when someone's sick. So people, like one of the guys I work with directly, come to work when they're sick. Yeah. And now I'M sick. Yuck. So today, my lovely readers, all I can muster for you is a super short story, and no pictures unless I decide to add them tomorrow or next week, or if I can re-purpose any from other stories. While I'm typing THIS, I still haven't decided what story to tell, so we will find out, kind of, together if that's possible. Here goes nothing.

So far still nothing. I'm distracted by what ever this show is on DIY which I'm watching because I turned my TV on and don't know where the remote is.
Today I'm blogging from home. Just pretend the cloud is some home improvement show.
I found a picture to re-purpose. this is that picture's third appearance in my blog, not counting the version I made for my header.

Still nothing.....

Ok, I got it. Before I even type it and before you read it I'm going to say "I'm sorry."


Apartment Livin'
Here's what I hate most about living in apartments. And I've lived in a lot of them. Almost a different one every year since 2004. So that's 9 minus the townhouse one year and minus one because I've been in my current one for 1+ years. Seven. Yay, I can do math. 

I know there are a lot of things that suck about apartments. You have up to 8 neighbors around you,.You don't get a driveway to park in. Sometimes your landlord doesn't want to fix stuff that needs fixing properly because of how much it would cost. You can't really change anything like the carpeting, appliances or wall colors. If you're lucky, there are washer/driers in the basement and you don't have to go to a laundr-o-mat [I  have no idea how that should really be spelled/hyphenated]. The list goes on. 

While at my first apartment, which ever cell phone I had [I believe it was a Nokia stopped working. So I called AT&T, which was Cingular at the time, and they said they would swap it out for a new one. Actually, I think I might have just been ordering a new one. Doesn't matter. They sent it Fed-Ex. Which is great because it's speedy. But sucks because it required a signature and the Fed-Ex guy didn't want to knock loud enough for me to hear it from my bedroom. Because I was home the whole day and wasn't listening to loud music or TV. 

I pleaded with my one friend who had a car (BTW this was in college so few people had cars by sophomore year) to drive me out to the Fed-Ex facility which is of course in the middle of nowhere. You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. I'd never been that far from campus and the farther we drove, the more convinced I was that we had the wrong directions. We finally see it, pull in and I try to go into the customer entrance. Locked! Noooooooooooooo! I WANT MY NEW PHONE!!! I mean we drove all the way there and I didn't want to chance not hearing him knock next time he tried to deliver it. I go around to the loading dock and stand at the doorway looking lost until someone came over. I told him how sad I was and that "I was totally home!" and he felt bad for me and went to find my phone. 

At least the story, while not as short as I thought it would be, had a happy ending.

Again... I'm sorry.

March 07, 2011

Yes, I Have Taken Pictures of Stuff That Isn't In Japan

I kinda liked it better on the outside than the inside. The sharks were cool. As was the submarine that's disguised as a shark there in front of it the building.



Baltimore, MD Aquarium

March 05, 2011

The Day I Used A Phone Book

I remember experiencing power outages when I was younger. Back then it was like an adventure. I would take on of the candles my mom lit and explore the mysterious darkened catacombs of my 3 bedroom house. I would make a phone call to one of my friends on the land-line phone that just worked ALL THE TIME. I don't really remember feeling the burden of trying to figure out how to pass the time.
When my power went off earlier this week I was like "Oh fuck! what do I do now?!?" Everything I do requires electricity. I could have made a phone call because my cell is fully charged but everyone I know is at work. Yet another downside to working the graveyard shift. I was fortunate in one way which is that it happened around the time that I was going to take a nap anyway.


Electricity goes out.
I turned my laptop off and hoped the power would be back on when I woke up.


It wasn't.
I'm back to "holy fuck-balls what do it do?!?>@?#!@?!>"


 Decide what to do.


        
Ok first I should call the power company just in case I wasn't the only one to just go about what I was doing and assume they'd find out another way. I go to the kitchen and retrieve the phone book. I blow the dust off of it... well maybe not but that's just because its only a month old... and bring it back to my room. I turn the light on so I can see it better. Fuck no I don't because the electricity is out and it's not one of those whale oil burning lamps. I use the light of my cell phone to locate the number and call them. I was told it would be back on with in two hours. Which was good because at least I could stop worrying about freezing to death. I also liked when the lady wanted to look up my account and asked for the home phone number there. I held back a scoff, shook my head and said we don't have a land line...? And then she asked for the name on the account. Sigh


 What else?


 
I try to think of what else can I do with my not-internet-connected phone other than text Facebook statuses and tweets? Oh yeah I need to make an appointment to bring my car in (I may have been thinking about that when I wrote last week's story and yeah it wasn't until a power outage made me really bored after 5 minutes that I finally did it Wednesday). I needed to look up the phone number so I reached for my laptop. FUCK! No internet. Back to the phone book. I open to the S-es cause I know the place starts with an S. There's a lot of them so I turn on the light.


 NO I DON'T!!! (Are you seeing the pattern?)

I live in a small town, not a metropolis, so there's only two pages of business S-es so I figure it's going to be one of the bold or highlighted ones. This is still a lot to try to look through if using a cell phone as a flash light. It just now occurs to me to open my curtains. That's better. I successfully make the appointment.


Now what?



I figure I can cook something since I have a gas stove. I take a pit stop at my windowless bathroom. I think you know what's coming and dammit if I didn't try to turn the friggin' light on.

I don't need much, if any, light to pee so this wasn't a deal breaker just annoying because I don't like finding out how retarded I am. I go to the kitchen I try to light the stove. NOPE. I was hoping this wouldn't be an issue but I wasn't sure, the little sparky thing [what is that called?] that lights the gas is electric. For smokers there is a simple solution. hold your lighter up to the burner, turn on the gas, vola! For a non-smoker this means "what the hell did I do with my lighter?" I walk around my room looking in possible locations I might have stashed it. I haven't lighted any of my candles in quite some time.

No dice.



I decide I will go to the store, pick up some groceries and while I'm at it a lighter or 5 and kill time and be able to cook. I start to go through my recipes so that I can make something to use for one of my blog recipes.


Salvation.

As I struggle to find something I want to make, I hear my DVD player making noises I whip my head around and the "VIZIO" on my TV is glowing! IT"S ALIVE!!! I get back into bed and start writing a blog post about not having electricity. Life is worth living again.



March 02, 2011

Crushed

A Crushing Tale

When I think back to when I've felt most embarrassed, I found that it was usually related to whatever boy I currently had a crush on. There are just infinite ways to be awkward and embarrassing in front of the opposite sex, I almost don't know why we bother. Almost. My grade in middle school consisted of a whopping 42 students.  Not a lot went on without everyone else knowing about it. As I mentioned last week I was the absolute least favorite of everyone else, outside of my small group of fellow outcasts misfits awesome people. Ah to be a social pariah, hasn't caused permanent ego damage at all or anything. Being so unpopular with the girls carried over to the boys. I figured out early on that any of these boys knowing I had a crush on them was not going to benefit me in anyway and would only result in potential teasing, and humiliation and would be embarrassing for the boy as well, not flattering or enticing. I decided around the 6th grade that I would no longer tell ANYONE, not even my "best friend" which of the 4 or 5 crush-worthy boys I was currently interested in. I knew that girls can't keep secrets to save their lives and no matter how much they promised, they would inevitably tell someone else and then the rest of the 41 kids would know.  I insisted that I liked NO ONE! Genius! Right? Apparently this cunning plan resulted in the theory that I was a lesbian. Idiots. But for the most part the plan worked. 

Then I went to high school. My town went to high school in the next town over along with a third near-by town. I now got the freedom of an extra 400 classmates to buffer against gossip. Also I thought that being older meant that we were mature enough to keep shit to ourselves. I guess that wasn't that big of a problem but my friends who now got to know which boys I liked also seemed to be easily bored. As much as I knew that telling any of these guys that I liked them, my friends seemed to think it was a great idea and encouraged such aggression. If He's Just Not That Into You had existed back then high school would have been a lot easier. Remember girls, if he likes you, he will ask YOU out!!! High school girls who aren't being asked out by their crushes, think that the reason for this is that they don't know they are.
In my younger days I wore denim skirts a lot.
This worked 0% of my four years in high school. One of these guys,  let's call him... Orlando Bloom, after a whole semester of being "totally in love with him" my so-called-friend Danielle convinced me that I should just tell him. 
Way cuter than the actual guy.
I concocted a flawless plan which would have him knowing that I liked him without me having to do it myself and I could pretend that I didn't condone the message. Not that I was there for it so who knows what was actually said to him. 

Ok, I am seriously laughing [albeit, quietly to myself] remembering how ridiculous this was. On of my friends had a sister in one of Orlando's classes. And they were in band together and stuff so they were sorta friends. She was instructed to casually mention "so you know Lauren likes you" and then she would report back with what he said so that I would know how to proceed. Like I said 0% success rate with getting my crushes to ask me out. 

So now I was mortified. This guy that I had spent weeks being as friendly to as possible I now was unable to face. I changed all my routes in the hallways to no longer cross paths with him. I avoided places I knew he went, whatever would ensure that I never had to run into him. This mostly worked.

One day, my calculations were off. Unfortunately he frequently used the hallway that my locker resided in. I don't know why but there were not a lot of people in the halls at the time. I came out of a stairwell and started to turn down the hallway to go to my locker. Then I saw him walking my way. PANIC!!!! I have never done well in situations like this. I didn't want to continue down the hallway but I didn't want him to see me bolt off in the other direction.  So what did I do?
I literally LEPT forward to clear the hallway opening and then ran down the perpendicular hallway and down the nearest stairwell. As soon as it happened I knew that was the worst possible decision. But maybe no one saw? Maybe I was so ninja-like that it was like I was never there. 
Danielle had happened to be walking down the hall behind Orlando. She saw. She cracked up and then mocked me in homeroom until it was time to go to class. And informed me that he probably saw. I know what you're thinking. Yes she was a shitty f-ing friend.

So I'm not a ninja. Should have tried being a pirate instead.

Orlando's not going to be in the new one but here's the trailer anyway.